Binah the Bold Reviews The Elvenbane by Mercedes Lackey and Andre Norton

Softcover - 566 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN: 9780812511758
Released: 1991 (Wow, it's as old as I am!)

Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Via Jess Haines, who seriously would not shut up until I read it.
Genre: High Fantasy (or, as my dad calls it, Swords and Sorcery)
Series: The Halfblood Chronicles
1. The Elvenbane
2. Elvenblood
3. Elvenborn

"Two masters of epic fantasy have combined in this brilliant collaboration to create a rousing tale of the sort that becomes instant favorite. This is the story of Shana, a halfbreed born of the forbidden union of an Elvenlord father with a human mother. Her exile mother dead, she was rescued and raised by dragons, a proud, ancient race who existed unbeknownst to elven or humankind. From birth, Shana was the embodiment of the Prophecy that all-powerful Elvenlords feared. Her destiny is the enthralling adventure of a lifetime."

My Rating: 1.5 wings, because despite all my whining it was still better than the last book.

My Opinion: The book starts out with approximately 50 pages of infodump, in the form of a dying pregnant concubine staggering through the desert. If you have ever read a Stephen King novel, you will understand what I am about to tell you. If the infodump had gone on any longer, I would have gnawed my own leg off. Oh, and then there's a random pregnant dragon, who also has flashbacks and infodump for another 50 pages. And there are no names that are easy to remember.

Warning for any of you who want to read this book: SPOILERS AHEAD.

The book continues when (SURPRISE!) the lady gives birth and dies and the pregnant dragonlady decides to take the baby home and raise it as her own. This goes over like a porcupine in a hot air balloon and the human gets given to her son as a pet. Shana grows from a baby to about age 14 in 100 pages, then gets exiled from the Dragon Clan for being too powerful and scary. She gets dumped into the middle of the desert without any explanation (such as, "BTW, you're not a dragon," or, "You know, there are other people that exist who aren't dragons," or, "HAY, BTW, ELVES RULE TEH HOOMANS NOW, TAKE CAUTION.") and picked up by slavers. Meanwhile, her awesome draconic half-brother decides, FUCK THIS NOISE, and goes after her. Unfortunately, he FAILS and Shana gets sold as a slave.

HOWEVER, because she is TEH SAVIOR, the dude who bought her is actually a wizard in disguise. She gets taken to the Wizard Castle o' Magic, where she learns about the Wizarding War (when the Wizards almost wiped out the Elves but then they failed) and also that the Wizards are just as close-minded as the Dragons. And that she is the best Wizard ever (duh).

Then, because she is a REBEL, she ends up leaving the hideout and joining up with her half-brother (YAAAY!) and also another halfblood and (gasp!) a fullblooded elf. They have adventures and talk about bringing down THE MAN, but don't actually do anything until about 20 pages before the end, when you're old after the fact that a big battle happened. The end.

Amusingly, there are a number of animals that are referred to with "new" "fantasy" names, like "grel" (a donkey), but there are also falcons and cows (which are called "falcons" and "cows"). The humans also inately have magic, but the magic is suppressed by collars they're forced to wear. So... is this Earth, or not? This is why I hate High Fantasy.

LESSONS BINAH LEARNED FROM THIS BOOK:

1. Elves are bad. They are pretty and good in bed but they are VERY VERY BAD.

2. I need to start drinking. Dragons are aaaaaawesome. Wait, no, dragons are actually close-minded, petty, cruel and for the most part bullies. Who call each other "butt-head". I am not making this up.

3. Your worst enemy is probably just like you. You prejudiced, arrogant butt-head.

4. Side characters are FAR MORE INTERESTING than the main characters.

5. If you advertise your book as "the enthralling adventure of a lifetime," there doesn't actually need to be any fighting described, just tell your audience that there was a fight and move on to the interesting stuff, like lots of meetings!

6. bghjklfjkhsdffkkhjlkasfjndkazc AUGH. I AM BROKEN.

Choice quote from this book:

"Finally she settled on a flowing robe of shimmer-silk in emerald green, with sleeves that swept the floor, a bodice that clung to her like a second skin before flaring out into a full skirt and train that could have concealed an army of midgets."

I want a midget army. No offense intended to any little people who are reading this - I promise not to EVER conceal people in my clothing.

I started reading this book because, after letting it sit on my desk for about a week, Jess told me I should review it and stop whining about not knowing what to review next. Since I absolutely hate High Fantasy, I figured that at least it would be amusing to tell you guys about, right? (shudder) I was wrong. When someone figures out how to refund time spent, I'd like approximately 7 hours of my life back.

All of that is not to say that this book is actually that bad. It's just... kind of boring. There are bits here and there that are actually pretty dang cool, but then something else happens and then I just don't care anymore. Like, for instance, the worldbuilding was very well done. I definitely got a real picture of another planet, the histories of the different races and so on. Um, except that I couldn't really tell if it was supposed to be Earth or not. That part was kind of confusing.

In conclusion, I'd rather read this book than clean a toilet, but only just.