Binah the Bold review: The Truth About Vampires by Theresa Meyers

Paperback: 238 pages
Price: $5.25
ISBN: 978-0-373-61854-5
Released: Feb 15, 2011
Publisher: Harlequin Nocturne (What were you guys THINKING??)
Author's Website: Here.
Buy it: Amazon (please don't)
Obtained: Via Authors After Dark swagbag (YAY let me just tell you it was GREAT and be warned that's the last positive bit for this review)
Genre: Paranormal Romance Count Chocula Angst
Series: Sons of Midnight
Book Order:
1. The Truth About Vampires
2. The Vampire Who Loved Me
(3. Please Tell Me This Series Doesn't Continue Past That Because OH GOD WHYYYY)

All her life, Seattle reporter Kristin Reed sought her breakout story. She never thought she'd find it in the crimson lair of a real-life creature of the night. Kristin never believed vampires existed—until with dark brooding eyes and a decadent chocolate scent, Dmitri Dionotte called out to her….

Dmitri and his clan's true nature was cloaked in secrecy until a warring vampire order threatened their existence. Kristin was just the woman he needed. She couldn't resist their story…or Dmitri. Her blood pulsed hot and furious when he touched her, and with his kiss, all logic fled. But each night she spent with her vampire lover brought her closer to death and destruction. A death not even an immortal could triumph over.

My Rating: Two bottles of tequila and a shot to the temple because the only way to fix this is to pretend it never happened. Got that? It never happened.

My Opinion: If you've read this far into the review, you already know my opinion. (My opinion is BAD.) Now that we have that out of the way, let me expound upon that for you.

Other than smelling like chocolate, the hero is pretty generic. I didn't hate him - I didn't like him, either. He's the "oh woe is me, for I am pretty and immortal" type of vampire (which is... all right, I suppose, if you're into that) and the "let me help you, little lady, ha ha you're trying to be an independent, resourceful human, that is just adorable AND DISAPPROVED. I TAKE CARE OF YOU NOW." Can you tell it annoyed me?

Our heroine starts off promising (she's a reporter, woman trying to get ahead in a man's world, yadda yadda) and very quickly and disappointingly devolves into TSTL.*

There's some kind of plot, but really I don't remember much of it. I've been trying to review this damn book for over a month now and the pain has just died down enough for me to give you the highlights (if I recall correctly):

- Vampires can teleport

- Vampires can teleport objects

- This leads to several scenes of clothing magically teleporting off & on (Not. Joking.)

- Big Badguy Vampire looks like Spike (of Buffy fame)

- So basically he looks like Billy Idol

- Am I the only one who doesn't find that very intimidating?

- Also, he's killing people because he serves (wait for it...) the greek goddess Eros. Who is half vampire.

- Please hold, must stop the blood coming out of my ears.

- Where was I? Oh, right. The heroine writes a piece that vampires are real, which her editor accepts without question, and the vampires (who basically hired her) completely fail to check. This results in mass chaos and rioting all over Seattle and numerous vampires are beheaded in the streets. The heroine is quite surprised by this, despite the fact that she outlined all the ways vampires are horribly dangerous in her article. (See? TSTL.)

You get the idea. Of course, there is more to the story (sex) but it wasn't really worth telling all of you about (mediocre sex).

I read it for a laugh, almost DNF'ed but hung on in case there was something good at the end. There wasn't.

Learn from my mistakes!

*Too Stupid To Live

Binah the Bold review: Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie

Softcover - 432 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN-10: 0312987854
ISBN-13: 978-0312987855
Released: August 24, 2004

Jennifer's Website
Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: My secret-romance-novel-addiction buddy loaned it to me.
Genre: Straight-up Romantic Comedy
Series: None that I know of.
(Note: This book is awesome. I should be back to snarktastic reviews of terrible books shortly; consider this filler, like in a pie. Mmm, pie.)

Min Dobbs knows that happily-ever-after is a fairy tale, especially with a man like Cal Morrisey, who asked her to dinner to win a bet. Cal Morrisey knows commitment is impossible, especially with a woman as cranky as Min Dobbs. When they say good-bye at the end of their evening, they cut their losses and agree never to see each other again.

But Fate has other plans, and it’s not long before Min and Cal are dealing with meddling friends, wedding cake, a jealous ex-boyfriend, Krispy Kremes, a determined psychologist, chaos theory, a frantic bride, Chicken Marsala, a mutant cat, snow globes, two Mothers-from-Hell, great shoes, and more risky propositions than either of them ever dreamed of including the biggest gamble of all–unconditional love.

My Rating: A pair of fabulous heels, an ice cream sundae and a girls' night out. (Translation: Fuckin' AWESOME, ya'll. But you'll probably gain weight and wake up with a hangover.)

My Opinion: Have you ever had a day where everything seemed to go 100% wrong? Like, you woke up late and had nothing to wear and missed the bus and then it rained and you were wearing a white shirt and then OOPS you got your period but you're all out of tampons, so now you're mad and your outfit is ruined and the boss comes in and asks you to work on Saturday. (Don't deny it, it's some universal law that everyone has to have a day like that at least once.)

I was having a day like that recently. Without going into a lot of detail, it was the mental and emotional equivalent of having your hands and feet spontaneously fall off. And then I read this book.

The synopsis above does give a pretty clear idea of the plot, and pretty much tells you right up front, "SERIOUSLY, DO NOT WORRY. THEY GET TOGETHER IN THE END, I PROMISE." What it does not tell you is how absolutely adorable, witty, odd and altogether fun this book can be. Also, despite the blatant advertising of "happy ending," there were bits in the book where I was like, "Oh noes, they will forever be apart! How can this happen??" immediately followed by, "Oh, wait, they're going on another date. Never mind." (As a side note, am I the only one who does this? I am beginning to suspect that I may be a bit dense when it comes to romance novels.)

I enjoyed the characters to no end. Minerva is such a bitch, you have to love her. She's short and plump and sassy and she doesn't need a man! No way, no how! She's got her work and her fantastic shoes and she's forever trying to diet and failing. (I can sympathize.) Cal is slick and a little slimy at first, to be honest, but he definitely redeemed himself to me when he took her out to dinner and told her, essentially, "You aren't fat, you're sexy. Now eat something, dammit!" Is it silly that that scene made me swoon a little? (Yes, probably.)

There's a nice - if fairly formulaic - supporting cast, as well. Horrible mothers, decent dads, the cynical best friend and the romantic best friend for both Cal and Minerva. There are some nice little sub-plots that work to bring Cal and Minerva into constant contact with each other while they're desperately trying to never ever see each other again.

This is a delightful, fluffy, romantic, funny book to read if you need a pick-me-up and enjoy reading books where you basically already know what will happen. However, it is not in any way substantial and should not be considered a full meal. ;)

Binah the Bold review: Unicorn Vengeance (No, Really) by Claire Delacroix

Softcover - 297 pages
Price: $34.80 (NO, REALLY) new, $.01 used
ISBN-10: 037328893X
ISBN-13: 978-0373288939
Released:

Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: By holding a knife to bribing Book Dragon and demanding she loan it to me NOW.
Genre: Olde-Timey Romance Adventure With Added Awful Grammar
Series: The Unicorn Series (NOTE: There are NO UNICORNS in this book.)
1. Unicorn Bride
2. Pearl Beyond Price
3. Unicorn Vengeance
(4. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME)

Drawn Together By Destiny

Genevieve de Pereille's music echoed in the hollows of Wolfram's heart, pulling him into an unfamiliar world where his knightly vows faded to a distant murmur. The secret heir to an ancient legacy, she held him fast with the timeless power of love.

With silver hair and fierce pale eyes, Wolfram stirred something raw yet beautiful deep inside Genevieve's very being. Yet the handsome warrior was responsible for her brother's death, and she swore he would never escape her righteous vengeance!

My Rating: 7 aspirins and a shot of tequila. And maybe a Dove bar because chocolate makes the hurting stop.

My (Loudly-Voiced and Obnoxious) Opinion: Excuse me while I put on my rantypants. This book took me literally weeks to finish (and I hummed Ride of the Valkyries when I got to the end), so I am going to go on a bit. Before I go into my spasms of OH GOD WHY, let me explain the plot. (Thinking.) No, is too long. I sum up.

Wolfram Unimportant-Last-Name (who is extremely German and I actually don't think he even HAS a last name) is an assassin-monk for the Templars. Genevieve De Pereille (whose last name I pronounce either Perry-Ayy or Prell, depending on my mood) is The Virginal Hotness and an orphan and btw also the protector of The Holy Grail - it's a family thing. (Think Da Vinci Code-type Holy Grail, not Pretty Cup-type Holy Grail. Insert obligatory "lol Dan Brown" joke here.) Apparently the other Unicorn books are about the De Prell family as well, which reinforces my determination to never ever ever read another book with Unicorns in the title and nowhere else.

Anyattentionspanway, Wolfy kills Genny's brother because Alzeu (her brother, whose name is pronounced like a sneeze) has been running around claiming that he is the One True King due to aforementioned Holy-Grailness. Genny swears revenge on Wolfy even though he is Liek So Handsome because otherwise there would be no plot. She follows him to Paris, arrives penniless because who needs well-thought-out plans when you're a Mary Sue, realizes she's essentially a hobo and decides to busk.

Wolfy hears Sue playing the lute and immediately swoons (in a totally masculine way) for her. Blah blah blah, turmoil, "oh no, I like him but he's evil!" "Oh no, I like her but I'm a monk!" "I must kill him but I just can't!" "My Master ordered me to kill her, too!" You get the idea. Of course, since this IS a romance novel and not a crime drama, her hoo-ha and his wing-wong do eventually make friends.

There's more plot that gets in the way of their twoo luv, including King Philip dismantling the Templars, a Master of the Temple that could only be more evil by twirling his mustache and cackling incessantly and a band of minstrels who start out by essentially robbing and threatening to rape Sue but end up being the good guys. (It should be noted that most of the Drama!Plot is created by Genny-Sue being exceedingly dumb.)

So they (Wolfy, Sue and the Minstrels) escape Paris after about a hundred pages and travel around for a while. After a hilariously failed attempt to have The Sex (more on that later), Wolfy and Sue get it ON. Which is the only scene in the book I enjoyed, really. Then, because DRAMA = PLOT, Wolfy is like OMG I CAN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE I HAVE MOMMY ISSUES, which is what every girl wants to hear in the morning-after pillowtalk, let me tell you. He distances himself from her, guards her but won't have The Sex again (even though she is fully Hot For His Bod) and is basically a total cock.

Then, The Master (of Evil) shows up while Sue is Helpless and Alone and kidnaps her because a) there are only like 20 pages left in the book so we are running out of time for closure and b) he is a Bad Guy. There are other reasons that make sense in The Plot but really, that's not why you're reading this review. (And if you started reading this, thinking I'd be helpful, BOY are you in the wrong place.) Wolfy tracks her down and on the way there, he finds his long-lost mother, who explains why she abandoned him many years ago and that she loves him so now he feels okay to love someone again. Yeah. I KNOW. Go ahead and reread that nice Deus Ex Machina and marvel at it. Really take it in. I'll wait.

Got the spasmodic twitching out of your system now? (Me neither, but let's press on.)

He finds her just as The Master is about to murdify her (in the Nick Of Time TM) and Saves The Day. And they go to her tiny castle and he proposes and everyone lives Happily Ever After, except for the readers, who hurl the book across the room.

Highlights Reel

Back to what I was saying about the failed attempt to have The Sex. Of course they are both virgins (she's a noble in the 1500s and he's a monk), so they're making out in a hayloft and he's like WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY PANTS and she's like THE SAME THING THAT'S HAPPENING IN MINE, I THINK and it's pretty hot. And then this happens:

...Wolfram's already snug chausses tightened yet further. He gasped himself at the restriction.

"Curse the knot!" she muttered with a vehemence that might have been amusing at another time.

To Wolfram's shock and dismay, she bent over and took her teeth to the uncooperative lace.

"Nay!" he choked out the one word, but too soon he could feel the gentle nibbling of her lips, even through the heavy wool of his chausses.

(Descriptive bit omitted for time.)

But then his chausses were open and her tiny fingers were upon his very flesh.

The shock of her gentle touch undid him. Never had anyone touched him there, and Genevieve's unexpected caress sent a rush through him that abruptly culminated his passion.

Yes, he totally just jizzed in his pants. He's like OMG AWESOME, then OMG EMBARRASSED, then OMG I WILL TOTALLY MAKE GENNY COME B/C FAIR TRADE and then he falls asleep. In like, two paragraphs. *headdesk*

So of course Sue has an Epic Snit and decides that if this is what sex is like, she doesn't want any part in it. HUMPH. (Sulk.)

On that note, you remember how I said that Genny-Sue is perhaps the most idiotic heroine I have ever read in the entirety of my existence? I'll show you what I mean. At the beginning of the book, her brother is murdered for going around telling people that he's the One True King, Keeper of the Grail, etc. Genevieve is well aware of this. And yet, in a spectacular display of HERP DERP, which takes place in the court of the KING OF FRANCE, she bitches out a minstrel for singing the history of her family.

The king's fist hit the board, and his voice rose in a roar that demanded attention. "What family would you say he jeopardizes?" he demanded regally. The lutenist spun, her anger not abandoning her at this interruption.

"My family!" she declared hotly. "The family of Pereille! I am Genevieve de Pereille!"

I had a lot of trouble rooting for her to win when she insisted on sabotaging herself continuously.

To make matters worse, the writing is like Yoda attended a Ren Faire and decided to write some historical fanfic about it. ("Rated M for l8r chappies! Plz R&R u guys")

"A caress 'twas, and Genevieve marveled at her own boldness even as she guided her fingertip to rest against his lip."

" 'Nay! No argument have you that will stay my hand!' the keeper declared with impatience in his tone."

The word " 'Twas" is used at every opportunity. (37 times in the first 20 pages.) "Naught" is used to mean any or all of the following words: No, None, Not, Nothing. Maybe something else, I don't know. "Afore" is substituted for "Before." This book is a drinking game waiting to happen. (Suggestions for this game are welcomed.)

To be totally fair, though, there is one scene that actually made me go, "Awwwwww." When Genny and Wolfy FINALLY get together and have The Sex, I will fully admit, they are totes adorbz. (Now that I've used those two words I have to go commit hara-kiri. I'll see you next week.)

Binah the Bold Reviews Probability Angels by Joseph Devon

Softcover - 275 pages (99 of which I got through)
Price: $10.99

ISBN-10: 1441403868

ISBN-13: 978-1441403865

Released: January 7, 2009

Buy it via Amazon if you are masochistic

Obtained: Because Book Dragon got to page 2 and had to be put to bed with a headache. I think she's recovered now, though.
Genre: Poorly-explained supernatural philosophical humdrum

Matthew Huntington's problems seem to keep growing. Not only is he seeing things in garbage cans but his mentor doesn't think he's working up to his full potential, his best friend can't offer any solace but drunken confusion and his wife is dying in Central Park. Of course, the fact that Matthew himself died over two decades ago isn't helping things.

My Rating: Put me out of this misery EMPHATICALLY DID NOT FINISH.

My Opinion: Before I actually go into the review, I have to share something with you. When I told my 16-year-old brother that I was reading a terrible book called Probability Angels, he said, "If three angels leave from Houston to go to New York, and one of them is poorly written, what are the chances that at least two of them will end up in a Lifetime Original Movie?" Yes, he is single, ladies. (Shocking, I know.)

Anyway, on to the review! This is an excellent example of a good basic concept gone bad. As far as I can tell, the general premise of the story is that if you choose to give your own life so that someone else can live, you become a malicious ghost who causes mischief among the living by tempting them to do awful things. Example: When the book opens, we find Matthew tempting a priest to go seduce the bride he just married (in the sense of presiding over the nuptials). Except the way the book presents it, these dead people are the good guys. Question mark? Yes, really. Apparently living people (called "meat-bags") (I swear) are so weak-willed that, unless pushed to do terrible things by dead people, they will never do anything great. *Headdesk*

About 1/3 of the way through, it becomes a zombie novel. No, I'm not kidding. Unfortunately, immediately following this fantastic plot twist, there comes a chapter so mind-bendingly awful I was forced to put the book down, walk away and watch TV. How was this chapter so bad? Imagine 20 pages of coherent story that grabs your interest. Now take away the continuity, mix it up into single paragraphs and randomly slap it back into the book. And take away the interest. That's this chapter.

As a note, here's the quote that beat Book Dragon into submission:

"Matthew was a short man but not so short that people noticed that about him, his thinning hair made him look in his thirties while the glint in his blue eyes put him closer to twenty."

Not that I blame her.

Aaaaand the quote that made me lose faith in all self-published novels:

"'You don't have a body,' Epp repeated, a little more sternly, 'so you don't have a nose.'

'If I don't have a nose, Epp, then how do I smell? Can you answer that?'

'Terrible,' Epp said."

It huuuurrrrrts.

The author's bio says, "...He is known for his world-building literary style, instantly accessible characters and poetic dialogue..." Words fail me. As my mother said, "KNOWN BY WHO? HIS WIFE?? HIS MOTHER, PERHAPS???" (I swear she actually said that.)

In conclusion, I have never not cared about anything as much as I don't care about this book. Didn't finish it and actually am not sure where I put it. Oh well!

Tune in next week for my review of Unicorn Vengeance!

Binah the Bold Reviews World War Z by Max Brooks

Paperback: 352 pages
Price: $7.45
ISBN-10: 0307346617
ISBN-13: 978-0307346612
Released: October 16, 2007

World War Z Website
Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Via McK, who keeps telling me to stop doubting his taste in books.
Genre: Post-Apocapalyptic Mindf*ckery. Also, Zombies. (That's a genre now, right?)

"Since the end of official hostilities, numerous attempts have been made to document the Zombie War. WORLD WAR Z is the definitive account of the technological, military, social, economic, and political details as told through survivors' stories of how civilization went from the brink of extinction to a universal victory against the living dead."

My Rating: 4.5 wings mindlessly shambling corpses

My Opinion: Here’s the thing. I never reread a book I’ve just read. Like, seriously never ever ever. It doesn’t hold my interest, I remember all the plot points and things that were like MIND-NUMBINGLY HOLY-SHIT AMAZING are just kind of… meh.

I’m on my second read-through of WWZ and I am still totally absorbed and sucked into this book. Shit is so real you have NO IDEA.

This book was not what I expected. The formatting of it is something I’ve never encountered in fiction before (or if I have, it was obviously not done well enough to have caught my memory). I was intrigued when the book was first mentioned to me because, duh, zombies. The “oral history” bit in the title actually was kind of a turn-off for me at first. Oral history? I thought, That sounds dumb. I will admit this once – and only once – I was SO WRONG. It’s basically a bunch of anecdotes from a bunch of people who figured prominently in the war or were present when specific events occurred. The style of writing is so realistic you can’t help but get sucked in (I may or may not have had a nightmare about zombies. Shut up) and the journalistic interview-style notations are totally unobtrusive to the flow of the story.

My only complaint is that when you start reading the book, you’re pretty much dropped into the middle of a story that’s already over (the introduction tells you that the war ended 10 years ago). So the author assumes that you already know a lot of what he’s going over, including specialized words, people, places and events. About 1/4-way through the book, everything becomes really clear, but until then there are some what?? moments. (This may also be why my 2^nd time reading it is just as fascinating.) Also, I read freakishly fast and some of my friends keep coming to me like HUH??? and I'm like KEEP READING. So, you know, maybe you need to be a little patient (or willing to lose sleep) in order to really get into it.

Also, if you have problems with horror stories, maybe skip this one. The descriptions are so vivid, the people so real, it was hard to believe that the book was just fiction.

Next week we'll be back to reviewing awful books, but I caught the plague this week and decided that it wouldn't be the best time to read stories that make me want to die. ;)

Binah the Bold Reviews The Elvenbane by Mercedes Lackey and Andre Norton

Softcover - 566 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN: 9780812511758
Released: 1991 (Wow, it's as old as I am!)

Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Via Jess Haines, who seriously would not shut up until I read it.
Genre: High Fantasy (or, as my dad calls it, Swords and Sorcery)
Series: The Halfblood Chronicles
1. The Elvenbane
2. Elvenblood
3. Elvenborn

"Two masters of epic fantasy have combined in this brilliant collaboration to create a rousing tale of the sort that becomes instant favorite. This is the story of Shana, a halfbreed born of the forbidden union of an Elvenlord father with a human mother. Her exile mother dead, she was rescued and raised by dragons, a proud, ancient race who existed unbeknownst to elven or humankind. From birth, Shana was the embodiment of the Prophecy that all-powerful Elvenlords feared. Her destiny is the enthralling adventure of a lifetime."

My Rating: 1.5 wings, because despite all my whining it was still better than the last book.

My Opinion: The book starts out with approximately 50 pages of infodump, in the form of a dying pregnant concubine staggering through the desert. If you have ever read a Stephen King novel, you will understand what I am about to tell you. If the infodump had gone on any longer, I would have gnawed my own leg off. Oh, and then there's a random pregnant dragon, who also has flashbacks and infodump for another 50 pages. And there are no names that are easy to remember.

Warning for any of you who want to read this book: SPOILERS AHEAD.

The book continues when (SURPRISE!) the lady gives birth and dies and the pregnant dragonlady decides to take the baby home and raise it as her own. This goes over like a porcupine in a hot air balloon and the human gets given to her son as a pet. Shana grows from a baby to about age 14 in 100 pages, then gets exiled from the Dragon Clan for being too powerful and scary. She gets dumped into the middle of the desert without any explanation (such as, "BTW, you're not a dragon," or, "You know, there are other people that exist who aren't dragons," or, "HAY, BTW, ELVES RULE TEH HOOMANS NOW, TAKE CAUTION.") and picked up by slavers. Meanwhile, her awesome draconic half-brother decides, FUCK THIS NOISE, and goes after her. Unfortunately, he FAILS and Shana gets sold as a slave.

HOWEVER, because she is TEH SAVIOR, the dude who bought her is actually a wizard in disguise. She gets taken to the Wizard Castle o' Magic, where she learns about the Wizarding War (when the Wizards almost wiped out the Elves but then they failed) and also that the Wizards are just as close-minded as the Dragons. And that she is the best Wizard ever (duh).

Then, because she is a REBEL, she ends up leaving the hideout and joining up with her half-brother (YAAAY!) and also another halfblood and (gasp!) a fullblooded elf. They have adventures and talk about bringing down THE MAN, but don't actually do anything until about 20 pages before the end, when you're old after the fact that a big battle happened. The end.

Amusingly, there are a number of animals that are referred to with "new" "fantasy" names, like "grel" (a donkey), but there are also falcons and cows (which are called "falcons" and "cows"). The humans also inately have magic, but the magic is suppressed by collars they're forced to wear. So... is this Earth, or not? This is why I hate High Fantasy.

LESSONS BINAH LEARNED FROM THIS BOOK:

1. Elves are bad. They are pretty and good in bed but they are VERY VERY BAD.

2. I need to start drinking. Dragons are aaaaaawesome. Wait, no, dragons are actually close-minded, petty, cruel and for the most part bullies. Who call each other "butt-head". I am not making this up.

3. Your worst enemy is probably just like you. You prejudiced, arrogant butt-head.

4. Side characters are FAR MORE INTERESTING than the main characters.

5. If you advertise your book as "the enthralling adventure of a lifetime," there doesn't actually need to be any fighting described, just tell your audience that there was a fight and move on to the interesting stuff, like lots of meetings!

6. bghjklfjkhsdffkkhjlkasfjndkazc AUGH. I AM BROKEN.

Choice quote from this book:

"Finally she settled on a flowing robe of shimmer-silk in emerald green, with sleeves that swept the floor, a bodice that clung to her like a second skin before flaring out into a full skirt and train that could have concealed an army of midgets."

I want a midget army. No offense intended to any little people who are reading this - I promise not to EVER conceal people in my clothing.

I started reading this book because, after letting it sit on my desk for about a week, Jess told me I should review it and stop whining about not knowing what to review next. Since I absolutely hate High Fantasy, I figured that at least it would be amusing to tell you guys about, right? (shudder) I was wrong. When someone figures out how to refund time spent, I'd like approximately 7 hours of my life back.

All of that is not to say that this book is actually that bad. It's just... kind of boring. There are bits here and there that are actually pretty dang cool, but then something else happens and then I just don't care anymore. Like, for instance, the worldbuilding was very well done. I definitely got a real picture of another planet, the histories of the different races and so on. Um, except that I couldn't really tell if it was supposed to be Earth or not. That part was kind of confusing.

In conclusion, I'd rather read this book than clean a toilet, but only just.