Binah the Bold review: Unicorn Vengeance (No, Really) by Claire Delacroix

Softcover - 297 pages
Price: $34.80 (NO, REALLY) new, $.01 used
ISBN-10: 037328893X
ISBN-13: 978-0373288939
Released:

Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: By holding a knife to bribing Book Dragon and demanding she loan it to me NOW.
Genre: Olde-Timey Romance Adventure With Added Awful Grammar
Series: The Unicorn Series (NOTE: There are NO UNICORNS in this book.)
1. Unicorn Bride
2. Pearl Beyond Price
3. Unicorn Vengeance
(4. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME)

Drawn Together By Destiny

Genevieve de Pereille's music echoed in the hollows of Wolfram's heart, pulling him into an unfamiliar world where his knightly vows faded to a distant murmur. The secret heir to an ancient legacy, she held him fast with the timeless power of love.

With silver hair and fierce pale eyes, Wolfram stirred something raw yet beautiful deep inside Genevieve's very being. Yet the handsome warrior was responsible for her brother's death, and she swore he would never escape her righteous vengeance!

My Rating: 7 aspirins and a shot of tequila. And maybe a Dove bar because chocolate makes the hurting stop.

My (Loudly-Voiced and Obnoxious) Opinion: Excuse me while I put on my rantypants. This book took me literally weeks to finish (and I hummed Ride of the Valkyries when I got to the end), so I am going to go on a bit. Before I go into my spasms of OH GOD WHY, let me explain the plot. (Thinking.) No, is too long. I sum up.

Wolfram Unimportant-Last-Name (who is extremely German and I actually don't think he even HAS a last name) is an assassin-monk for the Templars. Genevieve De Pereille (whose last name I pronounce either Perry-Ayy or Prell, depending on my mood) is The Virginal Hotness and an orphan and btw also the protector of The Holy Grail - it's a family thing. (Think Da Vinci Code-type Holy Grail, not Pretty Cup-type Holy Grail. Insert obligatory "lol Dan Brown" joke here.) Apparently the other Unicorn books are about the De Prell family as well, which reinforces my determination to never ever ever read another book with Unicorns in the title and nowhere else.

Anyattentionspanway, Wolfy kills Genny's brother because Alzeu (her brother, whose name is pronounced like a sneeze) has been running around claiming that he is the One True King due to aforementioned Holy-Grailness. Genny swears revenge on Wolfy even though he is Liek So Handsome because otherwise there would be no plot. She follows him to Paris, arrives penniless because who needs well-thought-out plans when you're a Mary Sue, realizes she's essentially a hobo and decides to busk.

Wolfy hears Sue playing the lute and immediately swoons (in a totally masculine way) for her. Blah blah blah, turmoil, "oh no, I like him but he's evil!" "Oh no, I like her but I'm a monk!" "I must kill him but I just can't!" "My Master ordered me to kill her, too!" You get the idea. Of course, since this IS a romance novel and not a crime drama, her hoo-ha and his wing-wong do eventually make friends.

There's more plot that gets in the way of their twoo luv, including King Philip dismantling the Templars, a Master of the Temple that could only be more evil by twirling his mustache and cackling incessantly and a band of minstrels who start out by essentially robbing and threatening to rape Sue but end up being the good guys. (It should be noted that most of the Drama!Plot is created by Genny-Sue being exceedingly dumb.)

So they (Wolfy, Sue and the Minstrels) escape Paris after about a hundred pages and travel around for a while. After a hilariously failed attempt to have The Sex (more on that later), Wolfy and Sue get it ON. Which is the only scene in the book I enjoyed, really. Then, because DRAMA = PLOT, Wolfy is like OMG I CAN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE I HAVE MOMMY ISSUES, which is what every girl wants to hear in the morning-after pillowtalk, let me tell you. He distances himself from her, guards her but won't have The Sex again (even though she is fully Hot For His Bod) and is basically a total cock.

Then, The Master (of Evil) shows up while Sue is Helpless and Alone and kidnaps her because a) there are only like 20 pages left in the book so we are running out of time for closure and b) he is a Bad Guy. There are other reasons that make sense in The Plot but really, that's not why you're reading this review. (And if you started reading this, thinking I'd be helpful, BOY are you in the wrong place.) Wolfy tracks her down and on the way there, he finds his long-lost mother, who explains why she abandoned him many years ago and that she loves him so now he feels okay to love someone again. Yeah. I KNOW. Go ahead and reread that nice Deus Ex Machina and marvel at it. Really take it in. I'll wait.

Got the spasmodic twitching out of your system now? (Me neither, but let's press on.)

He finds her just as The Master is about to murdify her (in the Nick Of Time TM) and Saves The Day. And they go to her tiny castle and he proposes and everyone lives Happily Ever After, except for the readers, who hurl the book across the room.

Highlights Reel

Back to what I was saying about the failed attempt to have The Sex. Of course they are both virgins (she's a noble in the 1500s and he's a monk), so they're making out in a hayloft and he's like WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY PANTS and she's like THE SAME THING THAT'S HAPPENING IN MINE, I THINK and it's pretty hot. And then this happens:

...Wolfram's already snug chausses tightened yet further. He gasped himself at the restriction.

"Curse the knot!" she muttered with a vehemence that might have been amusing at another time.

To Wolfram's shock and dismay, she bent over and took her teeth to the uncooperative lace.

"Nay!" he choked out the one word, but too soon he could feel the gentle nibbling of her lips, even through the heavy wool of his chausses.

(Descriptive bit omitted for time.)

But then his chausses were open and her tiny fingers were upon his very flesh.

The shock of her gentle touch undid him. Never had anyone touched him there, and Genevieve's unexpected caress sent a rush through him that abruptly culminated his passion.

Yes, he totally just jizzed in his pants. He's like OMG AWESOME, then OMG EMBARRASSED, then OMG I WILL TOTALLY MAKE GENNY COME B/C FAIR TRADE and then he falls asleep. In like, two paragraphs. *headdesk*

So of course Sue has an Epic Snit and decides that if this is what sex is like, she doesn't want any part in it. HUMPH. (Sulk.)

On that note, you remember how I said that Genny-Sue is perhaps the most idiotic heroine I have ever read in the entirety of my existence? I'll show you what I mean. At the beginning of the book, her brother is murdered for going around telling people that he's the One True King, Keeper of the Grail, etc. Genevieve is well aware of this. And yet, in a spectacular display of HERP DERP, which takes place in the court of the KING OF FRANCE, she bitches out a minstrel for singing the history of her family.

The king's fist hit the board, and his voice rose in a roar that demanded attention. "What family would you say he jeopardizes?" he demanded regally. The lutenist spun, her anger not abandoning her at this interruption.

"My family!" she declared hotly. "The family of Pereille! I am Genevieve de Pereille!"

I had a lot of trouble rooting for her to win when she insisted on sabotaging herself continuously.

To make matters worse, the writing is like Yoda attended a Ren Faire and decided to write some historical fanfic about it. ("Rated M for l8r chappies! Plz R&R u guys")

"A caress 'twas, and Genevieve marveled at her own boldness even as she guided her fingertip to rest against his lip."

" 'Nay! No argument have you that will stay my hand!' the keeper declared with impatience in his tone."

The word " 'Twas" is used at every opportunity. (37 times in the first 20 pages.) "Naught" is used to mean any or all of the following words: No, None, Not, Nothing. Maybe something else, I don't know. "Afore" is substituted for "Before." This book is a drinking game waiting to happen. (Suggestions for this game are welcomed.)

To be totally fair, though, there is one scene that actually made me go, "Awwwwww." When Genny and Wolfy FINALLY get together and have The Sex, I will fully admit, they are totes adorbz. (Now that I've used those two words I have to go commit hara-kiri. I'll see you next week.)