Tori's Review: Bloodfever by Karen Marie Moning

Paperback - 368 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN 10: 0440240999
ISBN 13: 978-0440240990
Released: August 26, 2008

Karen's Website
Buy it via the Publisher
Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Bought 
Genre: Urban Fantasy 
Series: Fever Series 
1. Darkfever (book review)
2. Bloodfever
3. Faefever (book review)
4. Dreamfever (book review)
5. Shadowfever (book review)

In her fight to stay alive, Mac must find the Sinsar Dubh-a million-year-old book of the blackest magic imaginable, which holds the key to power over both the worlds of the Fae and of Man. Pursued by Fae assassins, surrounded by mysterious figures she knows she cannot trust, Mac finds herself torn between two deadly and irresistible men: V'lane, the insatiable Fae who can turn sensual arousal into an obsession for any woman, and the ever-inscrutable Jericho Barrons, a man as alluring as he is mysterious.

For centuries the shadowy realm of the Fae has coexisted with that of humans. Now the walls between the two are coming down, and Mac is the only thing that stands between them....

My Rating:

My Opinion:
So it took me about a week to finish BLOODFEVER--not because I did not enjoy this story, but because I was trying to be a good aspiring author and get some revisions done. Then, before I knew it, I had to read and review an ARC tour book, and then Mac and Barrons kind of just backed off. It wasn't until I spoke with a fellow blogger that I gave in to the urges to finish this damn book.

And holy crap, the cave scene made it SO worth it. I swear, I think with each book I read in this series, there will be one scene that will haunt my mind forever. So far, we've got: the roof scene and the cave scene. I can't wait to see what FAEFEVER has in store for me.

I originally started jotting down some commentary on Barrons and his oh so detestable/delicious behavior. For one, I was laughing my ass off in the first half of the book due to his jealousy. Here's one line I had to hunt down, just to include: "All right, from-the-fuck-whom, Ms. Lane?" (pg 103). I love that, despite how out of context this quote is, anyone familiar with the unique language belonging to Barrons instantly knows it's him. I also thought it was hilarious how grumpy he gets the second he realizes Mac's been talking to another man.

One of the things I look forward to while reading this series is the fact that Mac and Barrons fight and argue like an old married couple. They piss each other off, they glare, they have silent conversations--but when the situation is dire, we see a whole new side to that relationship. I'm talking the cave and the events that happen down there.

My laptop battery is about to die, so I'll sum my thoughts up: while DARKFEVER was good, BLOODFEVER totally blew me away. I enjoy the philosophical commentary, I love the banter between Mac and Barrons, and I love how Mac is growing as a character. Some people think Barrons is a douche, and believe me, he is, but for some reason, I can't help but adore him. I've said this in my last review, but as a book character, I love his personality. In real life? Not so much.

So far the first two books in this series are ones you NEED to add to your TBR right this second. I'll let you know about the third, but I believe it's going to be grouped in the same category ;)

Weekly Goals #1

I thought I'd add a new weekly thing to this blog to make life a little more interesting.  Don't roll your eyes; I'll be able to maintain this one because I don't have to picture hunt and be anal about formatting.  Moving on--I sometimes have a problem with sticking to goals when I have other things happening in my life (read: college semester... which starts tomorrow!  FML).  I've also found that I hold myself accountable to a goal once I announce it online and declare my progress on Twitter on a daily basis. It makes the whole "deadline" seem real in my mind, since people read my tweets and yell at me when I ask them to.

This "being held accountable" thing happened over the summer when I wrote the first draft to my urban fantasy, and it sort of happened during this winter break while I revised said UF.  It also helped me on days when I was feeling lazy about working out.  My theory is this: people tend to be more successful when they have a support group they can turn to.   

So here's what I want to do: every Sunday I'm going to make another post like this.  I'll announce my new goals, and say whether I've achieved/failed/passed with flying colors on the previous goal. 

On that very same post, you decide on what goal you would like to set for yourself.  Is it going to be a daily word count, or do you want to write x-amount of words in one week?  Do you want to dedicate a week to plotting your novel, or do you want to set a goal for how many words/chapters you revise in a week?  This doesn't have to be strictly about writing a book.  If you're a reader, you can set a "books read" goal for yourself, or perhaps you can set a goal for how many book reviews you want to get done before next Sunday.  Maybe you're a blogger/student like me and you want to set a goal for reading one book and getting all your homework done for that week.  The possibilities are endless, but so long as you have a goal, you have a reason to participate in this!


TL;DR-  Weekly posts-this first one is a test post, to see how interested people are in this.  Accountability.  You set goal, you post comment about goal, you try to meet weekly goal.  That following Sunday, you announce whether you passed, went above and beyond, or failed goal and make new goal for following week.  Meanwhile, post = a type of moral support for you and other authors (both aspiring and published)/readers/bloggers/etc.

---

My goal for the week is this is finish revising my remaining chapters and begin character interviews if I can.  I also want to get all my homework done and read one book off my "to review" list.

What's your goal for this week?

Remember to stop by next Sunday to let us know how you did this week and announce your new weekly goal!

Binah the Bold Reviews Probability Angels by Joseph Devon

Softcover - 275 pages (99 of which I got through)
Price: $10.99

ISBN-10: 1441403868

ISBN-13: 978-1441403865

Released: January 7, 2009

Buy it via Amazon if you are masochistic

Obtained: Because Book Dragon got to page 2 and had to be put to bed with a headache. I think she's recovered now, though.
Genre: Poorly-explained supernatural philosophical humdrum

Matthew Huntington's problems seem to keep growing. Not only is he seeing things in garbage cans but his mentor doesn't think he's working up to his full potential, his best friend can't offer any solace but drunken confusion and his wife is dying in Central Park. Of course, the fact that Matthew himself died over two decades ago isn't helping things.

My Rating: Put me out of this misery EMPHATICALLY DID NOT FINISH.

My Opinion: Before I actually go into the review, I have to share something with you. When I told my 16-year-old brother that I was reading a terrible book called Probability Angels, he said, "If three angels leave from Houston to go to New York, and one of them is poorly written, what are the chances that at least two of them will end up in a Lifetime Original Movie?" Yes, he is single, ladies. (Shocking, I know.)

Anyway, on to the review! This is an excellent example of a good basic concept gone bad. As far as I can tell, the general premise of the story is that if you choose to give your own life so that someone else can live, you become a malicious ghost who causes mischief among the living by tempting them to do awful things. Example: When the book opens, we find Matthew tempting a priest to go seduce the bride he just married (in the sense of presiding over the nuptials). Except the way the book presents it, these dead people are the good guys. Question mark? Yes, really. Apparently living people (called "meat-bags") (I swear) are so weak-willed that, unless pushed to do terrible things by dead people, they will never do anything great. *Headdesk*

About 1/3 of the way through, it becomes a zombie novel. No, I'm not kidding. Unfortunately, immediately following this fantastic plot twist, there comes a chapter so mind-bendingly awful I was forced to put the book down, walk away and watch TV. How was this chapter so bad? Imagine 20 pages of coherent story that grabs your interest. Now take away the continuity, mix it up into single paragraphs and randomly slap it back into the book. And take away the interest. That's this chapter.

As a note, here's the quote that beat Book Dragon into submission:

"Matthew was a short man but not so short that people noticed that about him, his thinning hair made him look in his thirties while the glint in his blue eyes put him closer to twenty."

Not that I blame her.

Aaaaand the quote that made me lose faith in all self-published novels:

"'You don't have a body,' Epp repeated, a little more sternly, 'so you don't have a nose.'

'If I don't have a nose, Epp, then how do I smell? Can you answer that?'

'Terrible,' Epp said."

It huuuurrrrrts.

The author's bio says, "...He is known for his world-building literary style, instantly accessible characters and poetic dialogue..." Words fail me. As my mother said, "KNOWN BY WHO? HIS WIFE?? HIS MOTHER, PERHAPS???" (I swear she actually said that.)

In conclusion, I have never not cared about anything as much as I don't care about this book. Didn't finish it and actually am not sure where I put it. Oh well!

Tune in next week for my review of Unicorn Vengeance!

Bloggers/Book Reviewers Wanted!

Kevin Breaux (website) is looking for some awesome reviewers to read his dark fantasy novel, SOUL BORN, and write honest reviews about it.  If you'd be interested in being that reviewer, please check out the cover, summary, and requirements below:

All Opal wanted was to be respected as a wielder of magic, but her teachers passed her over time and time again. When a mysterious warlord embarks on a conquest to destroy the lands of Illyia Opal seizes an opportunity to step out from the shadows of her instructors and take her rightful spot among them.

Tala, an alluring young elf, was banished from her tribe, hunted and nearly killed by the beasts that dwell in the deep forests, but more than anything else she is a survivor. Joining forces with an ancient elemental power Tala finds herself in the center of an unrelenting human war.

Flesh like leather and bone as strong as steel Karn, a veteran from the first kingdom to fall, is fueled by vengeance. While pushing ever headlong into battle Karn begins to recall memories of another life; ghosts that haunt his dreams.

Through death of soul, their world is born.

Requirements:

• You must have a book review blog (doesn't matter how long you've been blogging).
• If you are chosen, you must review this book (or be willing to pass it along to another blogger if you cannot).

If you can fulfill both requirements, then please answer the following questions in a comment on this post.  Kevin will email any bloggers (about 1-3 people) he chooses to review his novel.

• Do you typically enjoy dark fantasy books?
• Where do you live?  (Please state which country)
• Please provide your email.
• Please provide your blog's URL.
• Are there any other places where you post your book reviews? (ex: Goodreads, Amazon, etc)
• Have anything else to say?

Fine Print: These are REVIEW COPIES intended for book review bloggers ONLY! Please do not leave a comment if you: 1) don't have a book review blog; 2) don't typically enjoy books that are "old school" fantasy with some brutal violence and sexy times; 3) do not have the intention of reading and reviewing this book. Supplies are limited. Not everyone is guaranteed a copy.

Tori's Review: A Brush of Darkness by Allison Pang

Paperback - 368 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN 13: 978-1439198322
Released: January 25, 2011

Allison's Website
Buy it via the Publisher
Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Publisher 
Genre: Urban Fantasy 
Series:
1. A Brush of Darkness

The man of her dreams might be the cause of her nightmares.

Six months ago, Abby Sinclair was struggling to pick up the pieces of her shattered life. Now, she has an enchanted iPod, a miniature unicorn living in her underwear drawer, and a magical marketplace to manage. But despite her growing knowledge of the OtherWorld, Abby isn’t at all prepared for Brystion, the dark, mysterious, and sexy-as- sin incubus searching for his sister, convinced Abby has the key to the succubus’s whereabouts. Abby has enough problems without having this seductive shape-shifter literally invade her dreams to get information. But when her Faery boss and some of her friends vanish, as well, Abby and Brystion must form an uneasy alliance. As she is sucked deeper and deeper into this perilous world of faeries, angels, and daemons, Abby realizes her life is in as much danger as her heart—and there’s no one she can trust to save her.

My Rating: Giving two ratings for this one: Overall - 4; Beginning - 3.

My Opinion:
An interesting read, and one I was able to finish in a day. I kind of had to force myself to continue reading at the start, but that could be because I didn't have coffee and just finished shoveling lots and lots of snow. Sometimes it just takes me a while to warm up to a book, but I eventually did with A BRUSH OF DARKNESS once the action picked up.

I'm feeling ambiguous about Brystion. Initially, I felt like the interactions between Abby and this incubus were moving at a speed way faster than I was accustomed to in UFs, so that sort of change was difficult to adjust to. That *might* have turned me off at one point, but I think I just kind of grew accustomed to it and shrugged it off as the story progressed. I enjoyed the relationship they did eventually form together, and I'm anticipating the second book. Give me more!

I will say this: Brystion doesn't hold a candle to Phineus. I usually adore the hero and tell the secondary characters to step aside, but I think A BRUSH OF DARKNESS is an exception. Give me scenes with that wacky Phineus any day and I will be a happily amused reader.

I think Allison has a lot of talent, and am looking forward to seeing that talent shining brilliantly in book 2. A BRUSH OF DARKNESS is an etertaining debut with a kick ass cover you'd be crazy to not read.

Binah the Bold Reviews World War Z by Max Brooks

Paperback: 352 pages
Price: $7.45
ISBN-10: 0307346617
ISBN-13: 978-0307346612
Released: October 16, 2007

World War Z Website
Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Via McK, who keeps telling me to stop doubting his taste in books.
Genre: Post-Apocapalyptic Mindf*ckery. Also, Zombies. (That's a genre now, right?)

"Since the end of official hostilities, numerous attempts have been made to document the Zombie War. WORLD WAR Z is the definitive account of the technological, military, social, economic, and political details as told through survivors' stories of how civilization went from the brink of extinction to a universal victory against the living dead."

My Rating: 4.5 wings mindlessly shambling corpses

My Opinion: Here’s the thing. I never reread a book I’ve just read. Like, seriously never ever ever. It doesn’t hold my interest, I remember all the plot points and things that were like MIND-NUMBINGLY HOLY-SHIT AMAZING are just kind of… meh.

I’m on my second read-through of WWZ and I am still totally absorbed and sucked into this book. Shit is so real you have NO IDEA.

This book was not what I expected. The formatting of it is something I’ve never encountered in fiction before (or if I have, it was obviously not done well enough to have caught my memory). I was intrigued when the book was first mentioned to me because, duh, zombies. The “oral history” bit in the title actually was kind of a turn-off for me at first. Oral history? I thought, That sounds dumb. I will admit this once – and only once – I was SO WRONG. It’s basically a bunch of anecdotes from a bunch of people who figured prominently in the war or were present when specific events occurred. The style of writing is so realistic you can’t help but get sucked in (I may or may not have had a nightmare about zombies. Shut up) and the journalistic interview-style notations are totally unobtrusive to the flow of the story.

My only complaint is that when you start reading the book, you’re pretty much dropped into the middle of a story that’s already over (the introduction tells you that the war ended 10 years ago). So the author assumes that you already know a lot of what he’s going over, including specialized words, people, places and events. About 1/4-way through the book, everything becomes really clear, but until then there are some what?? moments. (This may also be why my 2^nd time reading it is just as fascinating.) Also, I read freakishly fast and some of my friends keep coming to me like HUH??? and I'm like KEEP READING. So, you know, maybe you need to be a little patient (or willing to lose sleep) in order to really get into it.

Also, if you have problems with horror stories, maybe skip this one. The descriptions are so vivid, the people so real, it was hard to believe that the book was just fiction.

Next week we'll be back to reviewing awful books, but I caught the plague this week and decided that it wouldn't be the best time to read stories that make me want to die. ;)

Tori's Review: Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning

MM Paperback - 384 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN 10: 0440240980
ISBN 13: 978-0440240983
Released: August 28, 2007

Karen's Website
Buy it via the Publisher
Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Bought 
Genre: Urban Fantasy 
Series: Fever Series
1. Darkfever
2. Bloodfever (book review)
3. Faefever (book review)
4. Dreamfever (book review)
5. Shadowfever (book review)

MacKayla Lane's life is good. She has great friends, a decent job, and a car that breaks down only every other week or so. In other words, she's your perfectly ordinary twenty-first-century woman. Or so she thinks...until something extraordinary happens.

When her sister is murdered, leaving a single clue to her death-a cryptic message on Mac's cell phone-Mac journeys to Ireland in search of answers. The quest to find her sister's killer draws her into a shadowy realm where nothing is as it seems, where good and evil wear the same treacherously seductive mask. She is soon faced with an even greater challenge: staying alive long enough to learn how to handle a power she had no idea she possessed-a gift that allows her to see beyond the world of man, into the dangerous realm of the Fae...

As Mac delves deeper into the mystery of her sister's death, her every move is shadowed by the dark, mysterious Jericho, a man with no past and only mockery for a future. As she begins to close in on the truth, the ruthless Vlane-an alpha Fae who makes sex an addiction for human women-closes in on her. And as the boundary between worlds begins to crumble, Mac's true mission becomes clear: find the elusive Sinsar Dubh before someone else claims the all-powerful Dark Book-because whoever gets to it first holds nothing less than complete control of the very fabric of both worlds in their hands...

My Rating:

My Opinion:
I'm not entirely sure how this book managed to sink its claws into me, but it did, and I almost squealed when I finished reading DARKFEVER because of that cliffhanger. Now, I finally understand why it was SUCH a good idea to wait for all five books to came out before starting this series. I have a feeling the upcoming week will be less about revising my story, and more about finally reading. It's about damn time I willingly read some books.

So many people squeal about Barrons, and I used to wonder: geez, he's just a book character (it was my first mistake). What on earth could be so damn appealing about him that he would make 99% of the female population want to fling off their panties after hearing his name alone?

I think I'm starting to understand why, and I know this understanding will only evolve with each book. First, the way he speaks is just so infuriatingly sexy. Second, while I hate alpha males in real life, this guy is like... the epitome of arrogant, alpha, sexy, cocky, omfg-if-I-saw-you-in-real-life-I'd-want-to-claw-your-eyes-out, holy-shitaki-mushrooms-I-want-to-do-you-on-the-kitchen-floor. Third, he's mysterious. Mystery totally makes him that much more alluring. Fourth, he is a walking sex on a stick. I think he totally made the book for me by the end. You know, when he was doing that thing on the rooftop with Mac? Seriously, I think that scene will be forever imprinted on my mind.

Some of the descriptions came off as rambling to me, but I enjoyed them nonetheless, for they offered a new insight into Mac's character. They offered glimpses of a more mature, intelligent young woman. Mac was an interesting character, albeit, an immature one. It will be interesting following her development throughout the next four books.

I wouldn't say that this book is my favorite, because the beginning was somewhat slow for me (and I ended up stopping early on for a few months to attend to other review books), but the ending totally... I'm not sure what it did--got me addicted?  Well, whatever it did, it did it well, and I want to read the next book NOW.

As of right now, I have no idea how this series will end. Jess Haines has been telling me she wants to cry a lot while reading SHADOWFEVER... so I'm a bit scared to continue. I will say this: if you're looking for a unique urban fantasy (that has a Buffy the Vampire Slayer feel), with a heroine who is not afraid to speak her mind and who won't piss you off, then DARKFEVER is the UF for you. While part of me wishes I'd started this series earlier, I'm glad I waited.

Binah the Bold Reviews The Elvenbane by Mercedes Lackey and Andre Norton

Softcover - 566 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN: 9780812511758
Released: 1991 (Wow, it's as old as I am!)

Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Via Jess Haines, who seriously would not shut up until I read it.
Genre: High Fantasy (or, as my dad calls it, Swords and Sorcery)
Series: The Halfblood Chronicles
1. The Elvenbane
2. Elvenblood
3. Elvenborn

"Two masters of epic fantasy have combined in this brilliant collaboration to create a rousing tale of the sort that becomes instant favorite. This is the story of Shana, a halfbreed born of the forbidden union of an Elvenlord father with a human mother. Her exile mother dead, she was rescued and raised by dragons, a proud, ancient race who existed unbeknownst to elven or humankind. From birth, Shana was the embodiment of the Prophecy that all-powerful Elvenlords feared. Her destiny is the enthralling adventure of a lifetime."

My Rating: 1.5 wings, because despite all my whining it was still better than the last book.

My Opinion: The book starts out with approximately 50 pages of infodump, in the form of a dying pregnant concubine staggering through the desert. If you have ever read a Stephen King novel, you will understand what I am about to tell you. If the infodump had gone on any longer, I would have gnawed my own leg off. Oh, and then there's a random pregnant dragon, who also has flashbacks and infodump for another 50 pages. And there are no names that are easy to remember.

Warning for any of you who want to read this book: SPOILERS AHEAD.

The book continues when (SURPRISE!) the lady gives birth and dies and the pregnant dragonlady decides to take the baby home and raise it as her own. This goes over like a porcupine in a hot air balloon and the human gets given to her son as a pet. Shana grows from a baby to about age 14 in 100 pages, then gets exiled from the Dragon Clan for being too powerful and scary. She gets dumped into the middle of the desert without any explanation (such as, "BTW, you're not a dragon," or, "You know, there are other people that exist who aren't dragons," or, "HAY, BTW, ELVES RULE TEH HOOMANS NOW, TAKE CAUTION.") and picked up by slavers. Meanwhile, her awesome draconic half-brother decides, FUCK THIS NOISE, and goes after her. Unfortunately, he FAILS and Shana gets sold as a slave.

HOWEVER, because she is TEH SAVIOR, the dude who bought her is actually a wizard in disguise. She gets taken to the Wizard Castle o' Magic, where she learns about the Wizarding War (when the Wizards almost wiped out the Elves but then they failed) and also that the Wizards are just as close-minded as the Dragons. And that she is the best Wizard ever (duh).

Then, because she is a REBEL, she ends up leaving the hideout and joining up with her half-brother (YAAAY!) and also another halfblood and (gasp!) a fullblooded elf. They have adventures and talk about bringing down THE MAN, but don't actually do anything until about 20 pages before the end, when you're old after the fact that a big battle happened. The end.

Amusingly, there are a number of animals that are referred to with "new" "fantasy" names, like "grel" (a donkey), but there are also falcons and cows (which are called "falcons" and "cows"). The humans also inately have magic, but the magic is suppressed by collars they're forced to wear. So... is this Earth, or not? This is why I hate High Fantasy.

LESSONS BINAH LEARNED FROM THIS BOOK:

1. Elves are bad. They are pretty and good in bed but they are VERY VERY BAD.

2. I need to start drinking. Dragons are aaaaaawesome. Wait, no, dragons are actually close-minded, petty, cruel and for the most part bullies. Who call each other "butt-head". I am not making this up.

3. Your worst enemy is probably just like you. You prejudiced, arrogant butt-head.

4. Side characters are FAR MORE INTERESTING than the main characters.

5. If you advertise your book as "the enthralling adventure of a lifetime," there doesn't actually need to be any fighting described, just tell your audience that there was a fight and move on to the interesting stuff, like lots of meetings!

6. bghjklfjkhsdffkkhjlkasfjndkazc AUGH. I AM BROKEN.

Choice quote from this book:

"Finally she settled on a flowing robe of shimmer-silk in emerald green, with sleeves that swept the floor, a bodice that clung to her like a second skin before flaring out into a full skirt and train that could have concealed an army of midgets."

I want a midget army. No offense intended to any little people who are reading this - I promise not to EVER conceal people in my clothing.

I started reading this book because, after letting it sit on my desk for about a week, Jess told me I should review it and stop whining about not knowing what to review next. Since I absolutely hate High Fantasy, I figured that at least it would be amusing to tell you guys about, right? (shudder) I was wrong. When someone figures out how to refund time spent, I'd like approximately 7 hours of my life back.

All of that is not to say that this book is actually that bad. It's just... kind of boring. There are bits here and there that are actually pretty dang cool, but then something else happens and then I just don't care anymore. Like, for instance, the worldbuilding was very well done. I definitely got a real picture of another planet, the histories of the different races and so on. Um, except that I couldn't really tell if it was supposed to be Earth or not. That part was kind of confusing.

In conclusion, I'd rather read this book than clean a toilet, but only just.

Book Dragon's review: Faulty Gratification (An Ineeda Halfbaked Vampire Humper Almost Story) by P. Arody

Kindle - Some-odd number of pages
Price: $0.99
ASIN: B003UNKYZA
Released: Unknown

Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Purchased from Amazon
Genre: Urban Fantasy Parody
Series: N/A
1.

Summary:

"My name is Ineeda Halfbaked. Vampires call me "The Necroboinker". I call them whenever I can, but so few respond.

Ever since the government granted the undead the same rights as the rest of us enjoy, most people think vampires are just people with fangs and endless stamina. I know better. I've been boinking them for years. I carry condoms just in case...

But now a killer is forcing vampires in to the sunlight for sun bathes, but it isn’t me that’s responsible —and the head vampire Nonetheless, wants me to find out why... or else she will make me her playmate for eternity. A fate far worse than death."

"In a time and place where anything with or without a pulse has been declared citizens of the United States (as long as they didn’t enter the country illegally and can prove it), Ineeda Halfbaked is an "necromangler" - a job that involves resurrecting the dead and wrangling them temporarily for mourning family and for her own pleasures. But Ineeda is also called the Necroboinker. A fearless humper of vampires and anything else she can get her hands on. She's often called on by the cops as a last resort to offer an opinion on cases that are strange or kinky. But as Ineeda gains the attention of the vampire head of her hometown of St Blewus, she also has to find time to satisfy her urges and someone to satisfy them with. Which is getting harder and harder to do. If she doesn’t get it all done quickly, she will spend eternity in the Playroom from hell.

My Rating:


That's right, the Book Dragon is back! First, a big welcome to our new reviewer, Binah. I can't let you upstage me, so I have to review something craptacular, too.

Next, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TORI! I pulled this one out of my ass just for you! So, on to the actual review...

My Opinion:

This book is terrible. Really, truly terrible. I couldn’t stop reading it.

As the author’s name implies, this story is a parody. Anyone who has read Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels will be familiar with the story and the characters. Faulty Gratification is a play off of the first book in that series, and does it with the kind of hectic glee one usually sees in Twilight parodies, and the spelling and grammar errors you usually find in fan-fic.

Ineeda Halfbaked is a necrophil—um, no, a necromangler. Whatever that is. She’s surrounded by bitches and gay guys, despite the following (yes, this is an actual direct quote from the book—errors and all):

I heard him gulp. I guess he was impressed. I mean, what’s not to like? I am a tiny little thing, with porcelain skin, black curl waves of hair that cascade down my back and a set of knockers that will knock your socks off. I should, they cost me enough. I am cute dammit!

Familiar faces and places pop up in this story. Anita’s running partner becomes Freddie, who is alternately referred to as he/she because Ineeda can’t tell if he/she is a dude or a chick. Jean-Claude, the sexy vampire, becomes Juan Clawde, who might look hotter than Ineeda but that’s okay because he’s a dude and they might bone. Edward becomes Tread. Dolf becomes Dolt. The Circus of the Damned becomes the Festival of the Unlucky. You get the idea.

Ineeda is constantly in search of sex. She is always thinking about it, talking about it, and assuming that other people want her. At one point early in the story she even leaps on a werewolf who was lying naked on a bed and has sex with him for three hours—except he slipped away somehow during the first fifteen minutes. It gets a bit annoying after a while (as do the typos and grammar errors), but the whole book is like a train wreck. You just can’t bring yourself to look away. Though I do have to say, kudos for coming up with all of the sex and penis euphemisms (meat popsicle, hur hur hurrrr) and the bits about the gyno and rappelling team. In between sexing it up, Ineeda needs to find out who is murdering the local vampires or the local head vampire, Nonetheless (aka, Nikolaos from Guilty Pleasures), will force her to take a time out or play dress-up or something. Or maybe kill her. I wasn’t paying close enough attention to be sure.

Ineeda bumbles her way around in parodies of what occurs in the Anita Blake books. For example, instead of speaking to Malcolm, the head vampire of the Church of Eternal Life , Ineeda grills Malcontent, the head vampire of the Cathedral of the Totally Inept Existence, for clues. I don’t think I need to belabor the point.

When Ineeda finally has her showdown at the Festival of the Unlucky, it’s just… wow. I mean, wow.

My final verdict? For 99¢, it’s not a bad way to entertain yourself—as long as you enjoy and are in the mood for ridiculous, slapstick-y humor like Scary Movie. I give it two and a half dragons.

Happy Birthday, Tori!

Surprise!

If you enjoyed the hilarious guest review yesterday, then you're going to be thrilled about what I am about to tell you all.

Are you ready?

...

Are you sure?!

Okay!

After a bit of peer pressure on Twitter, and after such an enthusiastic response to yesterday's guest review, I am proud to announce that Book Faery has its third reviewer.

Please give a warm welcome to Binah, everyone!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm totally looking forward to all the future reviews she has in store for us :)

Guest Review with Binah the Bold: Decadent by Shayla Black

Hey everyone!  Today we have a hilarious guest review courtesy of Binah the Bold (click here to follow her on Twitter).  I highly suggest reading what she has to say--it had me in tears when I first read it... especially the Justin Beiber part ;)

Please also note that this review is Not Suited For Work.  Read at your own risk.

---

Paperback - 352 pages
Price: $15.00
ISBN 10: 0425217213
ISBN 13: 978-0425217214
Released: October 2, 2007

Buy it via Amazon

How can a virgin seeking happily-ever-after with a hot pop star who has a penchant for threesomes win her fantasy man? Kimber Edgington desperately needs a plan to convince Jesse McCall, who's been her friend and secret crush since they spent a summer together as teenagers, that they are meant for each other. But all the tabloid stories about his sexual escapades make her feel oh so inadequate.

"Determined to prove that she's woman enough for Jesse, Kimber turns to bodyguard Deke Trenton for sexual education. Bold and brash, Deke warns Kimber that playing with him is playing with fire. But he can't bear to imagine the innocent beauty in someone else's arms. So Deke and his super-sexy cousin, Luc, take Kimber under their wings and dangerously close to the edge of ecstasy. Though she's saved herself for Jesse, Kimber soon learns he's not the man adept at stoking her aching, endless need. That's Deke, and he can't resist when Kimber begs for more - and more...

Binah's Rating:
For writing, plot, dialogue and anything else that matters? Half a lonely, ragged wing. But as a drinking game and for entertainment value, I'd give it a 3.5.

Binah's Opinion:
This book... hurts. There really isn't another way to describe it. Either I was in pain from OH GOD THIS WRITING or I was in pain from laughing too hard. For those of you who want MORE DESCRIPTION than that spectacular back-cover trainwreck (not that I blame whoever had to write it - they had so little to work with), here's the gist of it:

Kimber is HOT. She is also VIRGINAL and INNOCENT but TOTALLY PASSIONATE and PERFECT IN BED despite NEVER EVER HAVING DONE ANYTHING EVER.

Jesse doesn't even show up until like 1/2 way through the book and really he's basically just a 20-YEAR-OLD JUSTIN BIEBER. He also turns out to be TOTALLY NEEDY and WHINY and they don't even get it on.

Deke is BUTCH and MANLY and TOTALLY NOT GAY. He also can't maintain an erection unless his cousin is in the room. I am NOT JOKING. Deke has ISSUES. 

Luc is Deke's cousin. He is a SUPERHOT SUPERCHEF who is SWEET and SENSITIVE and GOOD AT INTERIOR DECORATING. (No, I'm serious. The author makes sure to point this out.) He is also FULLY 100% STRAIGHT and he has fuckfests that last for FIVE HOURS. Oh, and Deke and Luc regard each other as BROTHERS. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr. Freud.

There are HUGE QUANTITIES OF SEXY SEX. Unfortunately, just when things start to get good, the purple prose yanks your attention out of the action and onto "his erection now so damn hard it could drill holes in metal". Um, owch. Please keep your drill-press junk away from my ladyparts.

Or let's say you're reading this ten-page sex scene, lots of foreplay, sounds great, right? And then, "She wasn't talking to Luc, who was treating her nipples like a cross between a lollipop and something his Hoover would attack." I gotta get me one o' them attack Hoovers! Also, he compared her nipples to dust bunnies. Also also, DOUBLE OWCH. Any guys who read this book: most ladies are not into purple nurples via suction. Just sayin'. (If you want to link purple nurple to it's definition, here's the url: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=purple+nurple)

I could, obviously, go on. But I won't, because you get the idea.

The other thing about this book One of the numerous other things about this book is that until around page 175, there is essentially no plot (other than that of a very low-budget porno), and then all of a sudden the plot rounds a corner and bangs into you like that old Reese's Peanut Butter Cups commercial. Like so:

[A man and a woman walk along, reading books. They turn the corner and bump into one another. The books go flying and the pages get mixed up.]
Man: (angrily) You got plot in my porn!
Woman: (also angrily) You got porn in my plot!
Both: (reading) Euuugh. (Making disgusted faces.)

So... if you have a penchant for bad books that approaches suicidal levels of stupidity (like I do), or if you have a group of friends to take turns reading this book aloud with, go ahead and get it. Otherwise, skip it and save yourself the brain cells.

Love, Binah the Bold

A Thank You Post

I just wanted to say WOW and thank you SO much to everyone who voted for me over at Mindful Musing's blog! 

Book Faery ended up being 5th place for "Best New Blog in 2010".  There were a lot of wonderful new up and coming 2010 blogs, and I'm shocked that I actually scored so well.  Considering the fact that I've been a bit bad about posting consistently lately, I'm surprised anyone still remembered me lol!  Thank you to everyone who voted for my blog and who supports me time and time again.  I love you guys!

I also wanted to say that, in less than a month, Book Faery will be turning one.  ONE!!  I'm completely shocked I've lasted this long.  There were some days where I seriously considered quitting blogging, but I'm glad I didn't.  I've got a huge giveaway (omg, I know, I've been talking about a huge giveaway for a while now, but this is for realsies... I actually have some money!) planned for the anniversary, so stay tuned. 

Tori's Review: Mercy Blade by Faith Hunter

Paperback - 320 pages
Price: $7.99
ISBN 10: 0451463722
ISBN 13: 978-0451463722
Released: January 4, 2011

Faith's Website
Buy it via the Publisher
Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Publisher 
Genre: Urban Fantasy 
Series: Jane Yellowrock 
1. Skinwalker (book review)
2. Blood Cross (book review)
3. Mercy Blade 
4. Raven Cursed

Jane Yellowrock is a shape-shifting skinwalker − and a vampire killer for hire. But lately she’s found herself taking blood money from the very vampires she used to hunt...

Things are heating up in the Big Easy. Weres have announced their existence tot he world, and revived the bitter tensions that run between them and their old enemies: vampires. As a trusted employee of Leo Pellissier, Blood Master of the City, Jane finds herself caught in the cross fire.

When Jane is attacked by a pack of marauding were-wolves, she is thankful for the help of a mysterious stranger named Girrard. He explains that he used to be Leo’s “Mercy Blade,” a sacred position charged with killing vampires who have gone insane. What Jane doesn’t know is why this powerful assassin left New Orleans − or, more troubling, why he’s now returned. It’s definitely not to make Jane’s life easier...

My Rating:

My Opinion:
Once again, Faith Hunter has completely wowed me with another amazing story in the Jane Yellowrock series. Fans familiar with the series will be thrilled to discover that all established characters in the past two books make some sort of appearance in MERCY BLADE. That means we finally discover some unanswered questions, we witness new and blooming relationships, and we figure out whether or not Leo is actually batshit crazy.

A recent relationship in Jane's life, while brief in the beginning, adds a new, complicated element to our heroine's persona. On one hand, the young woman struggles with physical wants and desires, but then on the other, she struggles with a guilt that surfaces, reminding her that she is a bad Christian. At some points, the religious and political commentary seemed like it was a little overdone, but I felt that I could easily overlook that tiny bit.

There is so much sexual tension in this book. I admit that I was not a fan of Bruiser in SKINWAKER, however, he slowly grew on me in BLOOD CROSS. Now, in MERCY BLADE, I was begging my book for him and Jane to hook up. The chemistry and attraction between these two characters had me wanting to fan myself, while also feeling guilty because of Rick. When the heck has a book made me feel GUILTY about the heroine lusting after guys? Never. I think it has to do with the fact that Jane kept reflecting back on her guilt, which in turn, made me feel guilty. I'm still in shock that I felt bad! Nevertheless, I love the interactions between them now. I adore how flirty they are and how pushy Beast is when Jane and Bruiser are alone together. It just... was perfect.

Speaking of Beast, once again, I was not disappointed with our furry friend. I think that the relationship evolving between Beast and Jane has evolved to hilarious levels. I felt the comfortable bond the two share now, which made me smile. Looking back on this series, our lovable duo has come a long way.

The attention to detail is spot on in this book. I don't know anything about motocycles, guns, and weapons in general, but after reading MERCY BLADE, I feel like I can name a few facts. While I thought that all of this information provided was interesting, and reveals the author did her homework, I also felt that some description scenes went into a little too much detail for my tastes. I'm not into weapons or crime scenes, which is why I felt the need to skim over a paragraph or two regarding these points. For those who are interested, I believe these descriptions will impress the reader and draw them into the Jane Yellowrock world. As for me, it made the beginning in particular a little more difficult to get into. However, once the action in the story picks up, the detail gives way to heart-thumping action and the pages are no longer bogged down with pages of descriptions.

Too much description was actually my only complaint with this story. I almost cried by the end because I felt as emotionally exhausted as Jane did. I wanted to kick and scream and punch that stupid were-bitch early on. I wanted Jane to finally be happy...but I won't know until book four because of the cruel (okay I'm exaggerating a little bit) cliffhanger at the end. I'm hoping--no, praying--that the next book in this series will come out later this year. I don't think I could wait until 2012 for another Jane Yellowrock book.

MERCY BLADE, like I've stated earlier, does not disappoint. It is solid proof that Faith's writing continues to improve with each book published. I find that this is one universe chock full of characters that I fondly remember whenever discussing this series to a fellow reader. If you're looking for a dark, gritty tale where vampires are psychotic and not lovey dovey, where werewolves aren't sexy beasts, and where there is sexual tension up the wazoo, then MERCY BLADE and the Jane Yellowrock series is the series for you. Highly suggest buying this book today, and reading the prior novels ASAP!