Book Dragon's review: Faulty Gratification (An Ineeda Halfbaked Vampire Humper Almost Story) by P. Arody

Kindle - Some-odd number of pages
Price: $0.99
ASIN: B003UNKYZA
Released: Unknown

Buy it via Amazon

Obtained: Purchased from Amazon
Genre: Urban Fantasy Parody
Series: N/A
1.

Summary:

"My name is Ineeda Halfbaked. Vampires call me "The Necroboinker". I call them whenever I can, but so few respond.

Ever since the government granted the undead the same rights as the rest of us enjoy, most people think vampires are just people with fangs and endless stamina. I know better. I've been boinking them for years. I carry condoms just in case...

But now a killer is forcing vampires in to the sunlight for sun bathes, but it isn’t me that’s responsible —and the head vampire Nonetheless, wants me to find out why... or else she will make me her playmate for eternity. A fate far worse than death."

"In a time and place where anything with or without a pulse has been declared citizens of the United States (as long as they didn’t enter the country illegally and can prove it), Ineeda Halfbaked is an "necromangler" - a job that involves resurrecting the dead and wrangling them temporarily for mourning family and for her own pleasures. But Ineeda is also called the Necroboinker. A fearless humper of vampires and anything else she can get her hands on. She's often called on by the cops as a last resort to offer an opinion on cases that are strange or kinky. But as Ineeda gains the attention of the vampire head of her hometown of St Blewus, she also has to find time to satisfy her urges and someone to satisfy them with. Which is getting harder and harder to do. If she doesn’t get it all done quickly, she will spend eternity in the Playroom from hell.

My Rating:


That's right, the Book Dragon is back! First, a big welcome to our new reviewer, Binah. I can't let you upstage me, so I have to review something craptacular, too.

Next, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TORI! I pulled this one out of my ass just for you! So, on to the actual review...

My Opinion:

This book is terrible. Really, truly terrible. I couldn’t stop reading it.

As the author’s name implies, this story is a parody. Anyone who has read Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels will be familiar with the story and the characters. Faulty Gratification is a play off of the first book in that series, and does it with the kind of hectic glee one usually sees in Twilight parodies, and the spelling and grammar errors you usually find in fan-fic.

Ineeda Halfbaked is a necrophil—um, no, a necromangler. Whatever that is. She’s surrounded by bitches and gay guys, despite the following (yes, this is an actual direct quote from the book—errors and all):

I heard him gulp. I guess he was impressed. I mean, what’s not to like? I am a tiny little thing, with porcelain skin, black curl waves of hair that cascade down my back and a set of knockers that will knock your socks off. I should, they cost me enough. I am cute dammit!

Familiar faces and places pop up in this story. Anita’s running partner becomes Freddie, who is alternately referred to as he/she because Ineeda can’t tell if he/she is a dude or a chick. Jean-Claude, the sexy vampire, becomes Juan Clawde, who might look hotter than Ineeda but that’s okay because he’s a dude and they might bone. Edward becomes Tread. Dolf becomes Dolt. The Circus of the Damned becomes the Festival of the Unlucky. You get the idea.

Ineeda is constantly in search of sex. She is always thinking about it, talking about it, and assuming that other people want her. At one point early in the story she even leaps on a werewolf who was lying naked on a bed and has sex with him for three hours—except he slipped away somehow during the first fifteen minutes. It gets a bit annoying after a while (as do the typos and grammar errors), but the whole book is like a train wreck. You just can’t bring yourself to look away. Though I do have to say, kudos for coming up with all of the sex and penis euphemisms (meat popsicle, hur hur hurrrr) and the bits about the gyno and rappelling team. In between sexing it up, Ineeda needs to find out who is murdering the local vampires or the local head vampire, Nonetheless (aka, Nikolaos from Guilty Pleasures), will force her to take a time out or play dress-up or something. Or maybe kill her. I wasn’t paying close enough attention to be sure.

Ineeda bumbles her way around in parodies of what occurs in the Anita Blake books. For example, instead of speaking to Malcolm, the head vampire of the Church of Eternal Life , Ineeda grills Malcontent, the head vampire of the Cathedral of the Totally Inept Existence, for clues. I don’t think I need to belabor the point.

When Ineeda finally has her showdown at the Festival of the Unlucky, it’s just… wow. I mean, wow.

My final verdict? For 99¢, it’s not a bad way to entertain yourself—as long as you enjoy and are in the mood for ridiculous, slapstick-y humor like Scary Movie. I give it two and a half dragons.

Happy Birthday, Tori!